How To Spot Fake Breasts

by Jessica Lakes

Summer is only around the corner, which basically means 6 whole months of breasts outdoors. Fuck, yeah.

This is obviously really handy if you love breasts (and who doesn’t?), because each time you hit a beach, you’ll be surrounded by more gorgeous twins than you can shake a stick at.

As well as, you know, the obligatory naked fat people. Damn.

But this year we thought we’d play a little game. According to the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, almost 300,000 women had breast implants in 2013. That’s a crazy number, but it essentially means that every time you hit the beach there’s going to be a handful of silicon-enhanced goodies walking around.

So how do you tell what’s natural and what’s bogus? You could stare for ages and ages until you get a slap in the face or a divorce from your wife, or you could take a gander at our cheat sheet to help you make a snap decision this summer.

They’re Too Close To Each Other 

Natural breasts have up to 3 inches separating them. Implants – because they’re bigger – have much less space. If any.

If her breasts are touching, there is a good chance they’re fake.

If they’re overlapping like two Nascar’s, they’re definitely fake.

They’re Too High 

Natural breasts sit level with the armpits. If her breasts are higher up her chest, it just isn’t natural.

Obviously, a number of women were padded pushup bras which also elevate their breasts, so the only real chance you’re gonna get to see if they’re fake or not is if she’s wearing a swimsuit.

You Can See Scars 

If you see a scar on any of the following, there is a big chance her breasts are bogus:

  • Belly button
  • Inframmammary crease
  • Nipples area
  • Armpits

There Is A Sloshing Sound 

It’d need to be a pretty damn quiet beach for you to hear sloshing sounds, but if you manage to take a woman back to your room and you hear a hell of a lot of sloshing whilst she’s walking around, you’d be right to assume that she’s juggling a pair of fakes.

When a woman who is full of silicon moves from side to side, her breasts will make a sloshing sound. This is basically an air pocket, and although you wouldn’t be able to hear it outdoors, you’ll definitely hear it in a room with just the pair of you.

They Look Like Melons 

And breasts aren’t supposed to look like melons. If you study breasts (use a photo, do NOT study in real life without permission), you’ll notice they’re shaped rather like pears. So whilst breasts do look like a piece of fruit, melons are the wrong fruit. For some reason, docs just can’t seem to get that one right.

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